I was good at my job. I'm not good at this.
Updated: Apr 26, 2018
I titled this post and saved it as a draft many months ago. As I'm scrolling through all my draft titles, this one seems like the right one to expand on tonight. Mostly because my dear friend, Brooke, and I really dug deep into the topic Sunday night on a plane ride home from Phoenix. (Quick girls trip! Posts from that coming soon.)
Brooke, like many people in my life, was absolutely shocked when I told her I was going to leave work and focus on life with Matt and the kids. "You worked so hard to get where you were and you were doing so well." All true. I'm proud of the career I was building. I was really good at my job. I looked forward to going to work. The path ahead of me was very clear and my ambition was once called unstoppable by peers. But my focus started drifting and my desires to be with my family were growing. As Brooke, someone I trust, admire and respect greatly, asked me how I'm doing without work, I began to cry. Regret wasn't what I was feeling. Sadness was there. As I quickly reflected internally and pictured myself back in meeting rooms and presenting projects ... I wiped tears from my face and told Brooke, "I was good at my job. I'm not always good at this." This is a common thought I face during mommy breakdowns.
However! There's an important follow up note here: This is no entry level position! Things didn't start with newlywed life and nine months of infant preparation. Nope! Drake was right. I went 0 to 100, REAL QUICK. But, I'm better than I used to be.
I've learned their favorite and least favorite foods.
I've learned the most ticklish spots.
I've survived weekends with 13+ sports games, four children, a dog, sickness and no husband! (Personally, I'm very proud of this.)
I've learned to apologize.
I've prayed more than every before, mostly for patience.
I've studied how each one of my children, and my husband, all handle grief and what they need during fragile moments full of emotion.
I've learned how to truly practice what it means to love others first, and then yourself. (Something my parents mastered long ago.)
I don't think I'm bad at this all the time, but, I'm still definitely not as good at parenting as I was at working. Also, I can be sad and miss work but still know I made the right decision. I remember how fast my industry of choice changes. It hasn't even been two years since I stepped away from the office and yet the thought of returning makes me feel inexperienced. Which is not the case! People return to work all the time and I know if the opportunity ever rises I will too.